


it's that we're all battling fear (oh dear)

by n00dl3Gal



Category: Ben 10 Series
Genre: Angst, Based on a Twenty One Pilots Song, Ben Is A Good Dad but a Bad Husband, Ben has abandonment issues change my mind, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Divorce, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Insomnia, Kai Suffers, Omnitrix, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Projecting? What's that, Sandra is a Good Mom, Serious Talks, Survivor Guilt, Vent Writing, dealing with fame, parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:34:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22107925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/n00dl3Gal/pseuds/n00dl3Gal
Summary: Glimpses into the lives of multiple Ben Tennysons- the lives they don't want the rest of the world to see.Title from Car Radio by twenty one pilots.
Relationships: Implied Ben Tennyson/Rook Blonko, Implied Ester/Ben Tennyson, Kai Green/Ben Tennyson, One-Sided Kai Green/Ben Tennyson, Past Julie Yamamoto/Ben Tennyson, benrook if you squint
Comments: 29
Kudos: 82





	1. There Is No Distraction to Mask What is Real

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hey it's ya girl Noodle with angsty Ben 10 fics in 2020 we living our worst lives aren't we

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's another sleepless night for Ben Tennyson. 
> 
> Title from Car Radio by twenty one pilots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My friend Sky (Squirrel_Kiln) once said that Ben is really easy to write angst for and boy howdy was he right 
> 
> Anyway, as the title implies, this is best read if listening to Car Radio by twenty one pilots.

It didn’t matter how much melatonin, Tylenol PM, Nyquill, Benadryl, whatever Ben took- sleepless nights plagued him, and had since he was a child. That’s the price of being a superhero; the unending nightmares. 

But it was worse than usual this particular night. Even after talking to Rook about it, even after defeating Malware and getting Feedback back, he still dreamt of losing that form. Ben had done his best to articulate what the loss meant to him, but without delving into his dysmorphia, it was difficult. Feedback was more than just another alien, it was an extension of himself. What Ben wanted to see in the morning when he checked the mirror. 

Part of him knew that, logically, he should have nightmares about all the other shit he’d gone through. And yeah, he had them, just not at the same frequency as Malware and Feedback. Vilgax trying to remove his arm. Grandpa blowing himself up to stop the Highbreed.  _ Recreating the universe from scratch,  _ boy did that do a number on his psyche. He couldn’t even look at Rook or Gwen or Kevin sometimes, wondering just how much of them he  _ had  _ to have messed up. He couldn’t even get a  _ smoothie  _ right. 

Ben kicked the blankets off of him and sat on the side of his bed, head in his hands. Rook was asleep downstairs on his mom’s couch, but he probably was going to be gone by morning. Everybody left. Gwen, Kevin, Julie, Max-  _ Rook was going to leave next.  _ Nobody wanted to stay around Ben. And he couldn’t blame them. Why would they want to spend time with such a fuckup?

Were they right? Did he really save the universe by chance? They never took him seriously, and he’s only trying to remind them that  _ they really should-  _ but then he messes up again and it’s back to square one. One little mistake is all it takes for any and all credibility to be destroyed. And then to be saddled with knowing that he’s supposedly the “ideal” Ben, the “main” Ben, when even No Watch was able to master the Omnitrix sooner than he did. 

Ben shot up, grabbing his hoodie off the floor and slipping it on. Despite still being in his briefs, he opened the window and transformed into Jetray. And flew. Flew anywhere, everywhere, somewhere far away from Bellwood. From any heroes or villains or people who knew him personally. He landed in some forest- Michigan? Vermont? Alberta? Wyoming? He didn’t care- and panted. 

With a yell, he tore the Omnitrix from his wrist and threw it on the ground. It didn’t break, and he wasn’t concerned with finding it again. It always had a way of making itself back to him. But he needed to be away from it. To be someone he hadn’t been in years, just a human teenager with human stamina and powers. 

So Ben ran, ran through the trees and the dirt and the leaves and the morning dew. He was barefoot but he didn’t care. The pain of splinters and whatever debris was laying there digging into his soles grounded him. He ran, ran until he thought he’d collapse, and ran some more. Finally, he did pause, falling to his knees near some rocks. He screamed and yelled and cursed and bellowed at the top of his lungs. Was anybody around to hear him? Ben didn’t care. Let them hear. Let them hear what they did to him. 

He kicked at the leaves. He tore branches off the trees. He picked up rocks and threw them as far as he could. He yelled louder and louder until his breath threatened to choke him. And then he continued yelling, because the pain in his chest was more real than anything he’d felt in months. 

_ “DON’T YOU GET IT, UNIVERSE? I DO MY BEST AND YOU SHIT ON ME ANYWAY! YOU’RE MAKING ME DO THIS AND IT’S TOO MUCH!”  _

Ben collapsed to the forest floor. He probably would’ve passed out there, but morning light was already starting to filter in through the trees. On wobbly feet, he stood, slowly, slowly. He didn’t want to go back. But he had to. He couldn’t live in fear, in isolation, in comfort forever. He was a hero. 

Heroes always stood back up, but God, Ben wished he could’ve laid back down. 

He made his way back in the direction he came, and the Omnitrix was waiting for him. It was almost eager to return to its home on his wrist. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s head home.” He didn’t feel better, he probably felt worse, but he knew he needed… whatever he had done. 

Jetray got him home quickly enough, and he sneaked back inside with practiced ease. And when he finally came down for breakfast, nobody commented on the scratches on his face or twigs in his hair. 


	2. You Were One of Those Classic Ones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's an average day for 23, and that's exactly the problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have, like, three of these finished and while I'm trying not to focus on angst (I'm feeling a lot better!) I should still post them. 
> 
> Title from Legend by twenty one pilots

Ben’s cheeks strained under the weight of his smile. Holding it for so long was exhausting, even though he had long since made it look effortless. Or maybe he just wasn’t in the mood today.   
  
He loved his fanbase. He truly, genuinely did. Sure, there were a couple crazies, but what celebrity didn't have those kinds of fans? (He could deal without some of the more thirsty comments… he wasn’t even 14 yet. Freaks.) And being famous was fun! Just a snap of his fingers and he’d have anything in the world, on a silver platter if he so desired. 

Signing autographs and posing for selfies wasn’t even that difficult. Well, it got progressively more annoying the more sleep-deprived Ben was, but he was a consummate professional. But why did they have to come out in droves today of all days?

It snuck up on him, like it always did. The nagging feeling of something missing, then the atom punch of realization. Trying to keep up the illusion of being okay, because people just wouldn’t get it. They don’t understand. 

Ben looked over at his manager-assistant-handler- and mother. “Sandra, what’s the rest of today like?”

She scrolled through the schedule on her phone. “Tight, kiddo. I’m not sure we’ll make it.” She frowned and rubbed his back. “I’m sorry… maybe we can have gyros for dinner tonight?” 

“Please.” Plastic smile back on. Hero Watch angled just so. For the fans. 

. . .

“Carl says he’ll stop for dinner on his way home. Want to see if we could end early? We hit traffic right and we’ll make it before they close.” 

Ben started to nod, to tell her to make up some emergency that would require a hero, when the next group walked in. They immediately began gushing about his latest movie, the merch they wanted him to sign, and the smile was back on. And same with the next group. And the next. The next. The next until they were gone and the clock read too late. 

Sandra patted his shoulder. “Sorry, sweetie. Maybe next year?”

 _That’s what you said last year,_ Ben thought. He nodded silently. 

. . .

Ben barely ate his gyro. He made non-committal responses to his parents’ conversation. He channel surfed, skipping over anything that mentioned him or aliens. This didn’t leave many options, but Ben didn’t care. Anything to fill the silence. 

At 10 PM, Sandra convinced him to go upstairs. “Your bed is probably a lot more comfortable than the couch, kiddo.” He obliged. He knew sleep would elude him tonight. 

As soon as his door shut behind him, Ben slumped to the floor and studied the watch. Not for the first time, he wished he’d never found it. Yes, it was responsible for all of his fame and success. But he lost a childhood because of it. 

He lost _Grandpa_ because of it. 

He clawed at the gadget, praying that this time it would finally peel off. He grunted and cried and begged. Nothing changed. 

Eventually, exhaustion flooding his bones, Ben climbed into bed. The hero of dimension 23 cried for the first time in… well, he couldn’t remember. He sobbed as he dug an old selfie out of his photo roll on his phone. Tears splashed on the face of an even younger Ben and a man dead for exactly 3 years. 

“I miss you, Grandpa. I’ll visit next year,” Ben whispered. “I promise.” 

He knew already he was lying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 23 was always my least favorite of the alternate Bens but now... idk. I've grown to like the kid. I still think he's the weakest of the "good" Bens but I don't hate him.


	3. (I Mean Technically) Our Marriage is Saved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben 10k and Kai have a talk. 
> 
> Title from "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Panic! at the Disco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This version of Ben 10k is fusion of all three that have appeared because like hell was I gonna go back and rewatch those episodes

It’s three days after Kenny turns 10 that Kai asks the inevitable. 

“Ben, the charade needs to stop at some point. If you trust Kenny with an Omnitrix, he can handle us splitting.” 

Ben always knew he and Kai would end in divorce. That’s what happens when you rush into marriage because you met your future child together at 17. And Ben is also grateful that Kai is the one to broach the subject. She’s always been the more… direct of the two. 

But at the same time, Ben still doesn’t trust Kenny with an Omnitrix. He had suggested it as a joke, he knew better than that. Azmuth didn’t. Then again, giving the most powerful tool in the universe to a ten-year-old worked out pretty well last time. 

“It’s not fair to him,” Kai continues, still sipping her coffee. “He’s smart, he knows there’s no passion between us. Does he really deserve to be in an unhappy home just for something resembling a nuclear family?”

Ben sighs and sits across from her. “Not really… it’s not like either of us had traditional childhoods.” 

“Mine was plenty traditional in my culture, thank you,” Kai snaps back. “Although I see your point.” 

“My main concern is who will watch him. Neither of us have jobs that give us much time at home, and I’m not forcing our parents to… well, parent,” Ben explains. 

Kai nods. “Maybe Plumber Acad-” 

“No,” Ben interrupts, frowning. “He’s not even 13 yet. They wouldn’t allow him.” It’s a lie, but Ben isn’t about to send someone who hasn’t hit puberty yet to the Plumbers. Especially not someone related to him. 

“Where are your other kids staying? Maybe Kenny could join them.” 

It takes a second to register. “Fuck, I never told Kenny about his sibings.”    
  
“He doesn’t know?!?” Kai questioned incredulously. 

“What was I supposed to say? ‘Son, I had a dozen alien moth babies when I was 15, they live in deep space somewhere?’”

Kai buries her face in her hands. “God, you don’t even know where your other kids are. Fucking hell, Ben.” 

“You’re not exactly winning any Mother of the Year awards, either,” Ben counters coolly. “Name one of Kenny’s friends from school.”    


“Devl-” Kai starts, but she freezes when Ben shakes his head. “Uh… Brian.” 

“There’s a Ryan, I’m pretty sure,” Ben admits. “But I guess that proves both our points.” 

They sit in silence for percisely 26 seconds. “It’s our love for Kenny keeping us together, and we suck even at that. Because- be honest, Ben. Did you ever really love me?” Kai asks. Her voice is small, in a way it hasn’t been since they were kids. 

“Y-yes? Maybe? I thi- give me a second,” he urges, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

He thinks of a young boy, barely aware of romance, falling for the pretty dancer he met on vacation, and the subsequent heartbreak. 

He thinks of tense, closed-mouth surprise kisses that always left him confused and reeling. 

He thinks of his wedding day, when his mind was too preoccupied with Plumber business to focus on what was in front of him. 

He thinks of seeing his baby son for the first time, swaddled in his wife’s arms, and how the ensuing rush of affection was stronger than it had been in years. 

But he also thinks of the instant connection he had with Julie. The easy smiles and natural laughs with Ester. How the word “partner” felt dirty when applied to anyone but Rook. 

“I… like you plenty,” Ben says gingerly. His coffee has gone cold. “But I don’t- I’ve never loved you. And that’s not fair to you, when you do love me.” 

Kai, to her credit, looks less heartbroken and more relieved that Ben’s being open for once. She nods. 

Ben sighs. “Alright. Let’s figure out the situation with Kenny, then call a lawyer.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like. Actual human sympathy for Kai while writing this. Kai Green, the worst character in the franchise (IMO). 
> 
> I am the pinnacle of creative writing

**Author's Note:**

> Updates will be whenever I feel like it


End file.
